1. Being lied to in elementary school about having to write in cursive in high school.
2. When i'm home alone and I hear a noise...I think i'm about to die & freeze.
3. Um no. I don't know the answer. That's why my hand was not raised.
4. Sucking a cup to your face and then panicking when it won't come off.
5. If we weren't supposed to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
6. Pretending to talk on your phone when you're alone in public and then it actually rings and scares the shit out of you.
7. Pocket dialing your boss when you're shit faced & singing.
8. Pocket e-mailing your boss while you're shit face & graduating.
9. Opening the fridge 10 times just to make sure something didn't magically appear.
10. Telling a funny joke, but it's not funny.
11. Having 50 tabs open on your computer and you can't figure out which one the f#$%ing sound is coming from?!
12. Clogging the toilet. That's awkward anywhere.
13. Write a hilarious status on facebook. No one likes it.
14. Trying to act all cool while walking backwards and talking to someone but then crash into something. But you deserved that one. You were walking backwards.
15. You got to fight! For your right!! To PARRRTAAYYY! Actually, you're not invited.
16. Walk into a room & forget why you went in there. Think really hard. Give up.
17. Think you sent a text to the wrong person. Fake heart attack. Wait, wait...you did send a text to the wrong person. Real heart attack.
18. Playing hide and go seek. Find the best spot ever. Have to pee.
19. Trying to show off for a guy. Ball hits you in the face. Regardless of where you are, a ball hits you in the face.
20. Watching TV in the middle of the night. Volume 15 is too low. Volume 16 is too high.
21. Check your cell phone in the middle of the night. Screen light burns holes in your eyes.
22. Try to take a picture at a bar. It's a video. Having to hear yourself scream "it's a videooooooooo0oooo0Oooo" the next morning during playback.
23. Can't hear what someone said so you laugh and nod. It was a question.
24. Go to bed early. Lay awake for 9 hours.
25. About to be in a deep sleep. Dream you're falling. Body spazzes 3ft in the air.
26. Think you've mastered the silent fart. Startled when you & your colleagues realize you haven't.
27. Order a big mac meal, super-sized, with a McFlurry, and a diet coke please.
28. Still walk skeptically into rooms in your own house when home alone. Realize you've watched one too many horror films.
29. Sing really loud when home alone. Find out you're not home alone.
30. Pretend you don't sing & dance in front of the mirror.
31. Ask your date to wait one second for you to run to the bathroom. Line takes 10 minutes. Awkward regardless of the explanation. He thinks you took a 10 minute shit.
32. Feeling the need to laugh at little louder than everyone else so people KNOW it's your favorite movie.
33. Wanting to punch someone in the face but don't know why?
34. Having a tune stuck in your head all day but you don't know the words. So everyone around you gets to listen to "hmmmmmmmmmm hm hm hm hmmmmmmmmmm hm hm hm hmmmmmmmmmmmm"
42. "hmmmmmmmmmmmmm hm hm hm hmmmmmmmmmmm"
Thursday, July 21
"One should aways be drunk. That's the great thing; the only question. Not to feel the horrible burden of Time weighing on your shoulder and bowing you to the earth, you should be drunk without respite.
Drunk with what? With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you please. But get drunk.
And if sometimes you should happen to awake, on the stairs of a palace, on the green grass of a ditch, in the dreary solitude of your own room, and find that your drunkenness is ebbing or has vanished, ask the wind and the wave, ask star, bird, or clock, ask everything that flies, everything that moans, everything that flows, everything that sings, everything that speaks, ask them the time; and the wind, the wave, the star, the bird and the clock will all reply: "it is Time to get drunk! If you are not to be the martyred slaves of Time, be perpetually drunk! With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you please."
I choose wine please.
Wednesday, March 30
Following the Colorado Buff's 8th spring football practice I got the chance to interview Tony Clemons for BuffStampede.com
Considering this was my very first interview, I guess worse things could have happened besides the MIC NOT WORKING. Next time i'll leave myself a sticky note that says "TURN ON".
Jokes aside, I was thrilled with how well the interview went. I was really impressed with Tony's easy-going personality and playful sense of humor. He was incredibly professional and very well spoken, and I really admired how much passion he has for the game. One thing that really stood out to me was when he mentioned he was disappointed he didn't reach all of his goals last year. I think that was a huge testament to his character and the type of athlete he is. I strongly believe that the best athletes are the ones who can ignore the hype & push themselves beyond their own expectations and believe there is always room for improvement.
Clemons also mentioned that "keeping his mouth shut" is one of the changes he is making going into his final season at the college level. He's channeling criticism and the coaching staff's advice in order to improve his game.
Monday, February 28
If you love sports as much as I do, particularly football, then I suggest following these Writers, Editors, & Reporters on Twitter for insight on current & breaking news in the Sports World.
1. Michelle Beadle from ESPN - not only does she tweet the most up-to-date facts in the sports world, she also dishes on herself, her family & celebrities - keeping it interesting for everyone & anyone
2. Melissa Jacobs editor of TheFootballGirl.com (One of the Top 100 Websites for Women by Forbes.com) - An avid football fan like myself, Melissa puts her own exciting twist on the newest reports. Her website includes Top NFL Headlines, Hottest Forum Topics & Special Featured Women
3. Andrea Kremer from NBC/HBO Sports - If there is one woman who knows football, it's Andrea Kremer. She covers every aspect of the sport from player injuries, interviews, play by plays and predictions. She provides good & needed observations & I love it!
4. NFL on Fox, The Official Page of Fox Sports & NFL Coverage - Not that this page needs any type of introduction, but for the best overall team & player coverage, it's my "go-to" Twitter page to follow.
5. Drew Rosenhaus NFL Agent - Rosenhaus is great to follow because not only does he tweet about football from an Agent's perspective, he shares his opinion about the current issues going on within the League. Most recently - The Lockout & news of the mediation process between the NFLPA & the Owners
6. PTIShow, Pardon The Interruption, on ESPN - Tony & Mike host this provocative show dedicated specifically to their opinions on the top sports headlines & issues. The 30 minute program is famously entertaining & worth while. Their Twitter page includes segments featured on their show & popular discussions about players, trades, teams etc. currently going on in the sports world.
7. ESPN - If you want the latest sports news and analysis from the NFL, MLB, NBA, NHL, NASCAR, College Football & Basketball, Boxing, MMA, Golf, Tennis & more...then ESPN's Twitter page is at the very top of my list to follow.
Saturday, February 26
One of the most common misconceptions men seem to share is the idea that women despise football because of it's violence and brutality. When in reality, that couldn't be farther from the truth. If you don't believe me, look at the TV shows we base our entire weekend schedules around. Gray's Anatomy, CSI, Law and Order, etc. So once again you're left completely puzzled as to why your girlfriend won't join you on game day. The answer is simple. The reason women love CSI & Gray's Anatomy, rather than football, is because they associate "their shows" with unwinding and relaxing in front of the TV after what always seems to be "the most stressful day ever". Here is my first bit of advice, instead of asking how her day was, and having to sit through a 10 minute rant about how she feels unappreciated at work, let her have her 60 minutes of bliss while she imagines your face on McDreamy's body. Women have a hard time accepting football because it is played during the day, while the men should be doing something more productive. Women think you're either too lazy or too loud while they are either cooking, cleaning or plotting how to block ESPN.
So, heres my advice to you. You can get a woman to accept football if you figure out a way to get it to relate to something she enjoys.
1. Be the perfect boyfriend on the mornings of the game. This doesn't mean follow her around all morning making sure she has everything she needs, because that could definitely backfire. But make sure she doesn't have to do much of anything. Take over all tasks she would normally do, and this is very IMPORTANT, make sure she sees you doing them. Because if she didn't see you make her a cup of coffee with non-fat milk and no sugar, then she will literally think she blacked out for 5 minutes and made it for herself.
2. Make sure she is relaxed. Now this one is a little tricky because trying to make a woman relax when she has something on her mind, is about as impossible as cuddling with a lion. No woman knows the solution, but I have a couple tips that could help. Do not leave the house unless there is an absolute emergency. Make sure you are either cooking, cleaning or doing laundry. This will help redirect her focus from her problems to the problems you are currently creating, because News Flash: you're doing it wrong. DO NOT take up any activity that creates noise. Noise leads to anxiety, anxiety leads to anger and anger means it's time for you to dig up that tent in the garage because the couch no longer suffices as the "Dog House". If the taking up of domestic activities does not work, then you've got a serious situation on your hands that needs drastic intervention. So, repeat after me, "honey, let's go buy that car you wanted, and on the way home i'll buy Costco's entire chocolate aisle. But we can't be too long or we'll miss the Bachelor!"
3. Make it a date. Make sure to bottle up any desire to curse, scream, burp, fart or get over excited while watching the game together. Let her learn the basics and come into it on her own. Let her ask questions, and begin to make calls, that are always wrong but you NEVER correct her, that's the refs job. Let him become the enemy & not you. Then let her talk about the hottest players on each team, and reminisce about the times when "your butt looked like that". Let her google him and tweet about how great he played and you're in. She's hooked.
4. Allow her to enjoy the game in her own space and at her own time. If you force her to watch the game with you, then she will never learn to love it. She will only do it because she knows you love it and you made her coffee & bought her a car that morning. If you let her decide to watch the games with you, she will eventually begin to understand that games are fun and exciting. It will initially be because she wants to spend time with you and watch hot guys run around in tight pants, but she will eventually begin to understand there is much more to it than ranking who has the best hair, butt and legs. Who knows, she may even become such a fan that she'll start filling you in on fun facts. Women LOVE knowing fun facts.
5. Patience is key. Start inviting her to spend time with you and your buddies to make her feel included. I'll let you in on another little secret. Women don't like their boyfriends to have fun without them. So when she calls you while you're watching the game with the boys, just...try not to laugh. Or smile. Also, if she hears you having a good time without her, she's going to spend the next 24 hours telling "remember when" stories of the times she made you laugh, when in reality, you were probably laughing at her.
From about mid-August until early-February you're going to find yourself pretty lonely every Sunday and Monday night while your boyfriend is having the time of his life at the local bar. The heart-wrenching/Dreadful/Never want to think about question will eventually cross your mind. And the answer is yes, he is cheating on you. And her name is Football.
Now the way I see it is you have 2 options. You can either chose to suffer for part of the year while your boyfriend enjoys all that Football has to offer OR you could chose to give football a legitimate chance and save yourself from inevitable loneliness. I guarantee a majority of you will like what you see.
Here are 5 reasons to give football a shot...
1. Because your boyfriend loves it & you love him. Don't forget all the stories he has had to listen to about how bitchy Jessica is, or how fat Amanda got. News flash: you're boring the shit out of him. Or how about all those times you made him sit through the Bachelor (we've all done it). Or that wretched week that comes every month where you're crabby, bloated and develop the appetite of a hump-back whale. Need I go on?
2. It's the best time to host a party and invite your favorite friends over to the house. Not to mention it's the perfect time to test new recipes. Who better to serve experimental treats to than testosterone filled men, screaming at the TV, who most likely washed down their breakfast with a cold beer ("all in the name of game day") & who are not only working up a sweat, but also a mean appetite. They'd most likely eat anything at that point.
3. You kill 2 birds with 1 stone by traveling to some pretty exciting cities, while your boyfriend gets a kick out of traveling to see his favorite team. Who could complain about visiting New York, Florida, San Francisco or Denver?
4. It's the perfect excuse to buy a cute new outfit, or 2 or 3. Who says that just because you're at the game doesn't mean you can't look cute? Plus, the "need a new cute outfit" rationalizing is where women are most creative, "But Chris, I don't own anything green! How am I supposed to support our team if I don't wear green?" (while you shove 11 green articles of clothing into the oven. You know he won't find it there).
5. Most importantly, because it is a phenomenal game. Once you understand the rules, and you have read over the bios your boyfriend has sent you of all his favorite players, you can't help but form a little attachment.